January 5:  A new day

Well I did it.  I work up and finished yesterday without either bingeing or purging.  So a minor victory.

I know I’m not currently eating normally.  But I need to be totally honest with myself.  Right now – the compulsive over eating is what I need to control.  A strict eating plan and reducing my weight to a normal level is my aim.  Once that happens (which I’m expecting to be by the end of Jan), I want to use Feb as a month of a better eating plan and moderate exercise.

I did weigh myself and I’m down 4.5 kilos since 1 Jan.  Sounds like a lot to some but I’ve put on 25 kilos in two months.  That’s the extent of my problem.  So I expect the first 10 kilos to go pretty quickly.  The second 15 will be a hard slog and that’s when the temptation to speed things up will kick in and I need to resist.

January 4:  Resisting the urge to purge

Today I went and bought a slow cooker.  I do actually enjoy cooking and it seemed an easy way to cook meat and other healthy recipes.  We had a large top side of wild venison so this was my first attempt at using it.

I roasted some potatoes for my partner and threw in the broccoli and asparagus stalks.  I then steamed the broccoli florets and asparagus spears, turned the juices into a gravy – and voila!  Gave my partner some bread rolls as well.

So all I have eaten today is this meal (beyond some cups of tea).   It is all non processed – simply some meat, steamed green vegetables and some roasted green stalks.  Yet when I went into the kitchen to clean up, I hoovered up the potato left on my partners plate.  And am now sitting here wanting to purge as I feel like I’ve failed.  Or at least take some laxatives to reduce the sin of eating.

Sometime I wish food was like alcohol – possible of complete avoidance.  I’m addicted to both, yet one I have to have every day and try and not move into destructive behaviours.  

Is day 4 and this blog is what I turned to in order to not give in to what my brain is screaming at me to do.  Get rid of the food you fat useless person.  I know I will weigh myself tomorrow to see the damage and that might be a trigger in itself.  Yet for now – it’s getting through to bedtime without purging or simply devouring everything in sight as I broke the rules that is my main challenge.