Well I did it. I work up and finished yesterday without either bingeing or purging. So a minor victory.
I know I’m not currently eating normally. But I need to be totally honest with myself. Right now – the compulsive over eating is what I need to control. A strict eating plan and reducing my weight to a normal level is my aim. Once that happens (which I’m expecting to be by the end of Jan), I want to use Feb as a month of a better eating plan and moderate exercise.
I did weigh myself and I’m down 4.5 kilos since 1 Jan. Sounds like a lot to some but I’ve put on 25 kilos in two months. That’s the extent of my problem. So I expect the first 10 kilos to go pretty quickly. The second 15 will be a hard slog and that’s when the temptation to speed things up will kick in and I need to resist.
Today I went and bought a slow cooker. I do actually enjoy cooking and it seemed an easy way to cook meat and other healthy recipes. We had a large top side of wild venison so this was my first attempt at using it.
I roasted some potatoes for my partner and threw in the broccoli and asparagus stalks. I then steamed the broccoli florets and asparagus spears, turned the juices into a gravy – and voila! Gave my partner some bread rolls as well.
So all I have eaten today is this meal (beyond some cups of tea). It is all non processed – simply some meat, steamed green vegetables and some roasted green stalks. Yet when I went into the kitchen to clean up, I hoovered up the potato left on my partners plate. And am now sitting here wanting to purge as I feel like I’ve failed. Or at least take some laxatives to reduce the sin of eating.
Sometime I wish food was like alcohol – possible of complete avoidance. I’m addicted to both, yet one I have to have every day and try and not move into destructive behaviours.
Is day 4 and this blog is what I turned to in order to not give in to what my brain is screaming at me to do. Get rid of the food you fat useless person. I know I will weigh myself tomorrow to see the damage and that might be a trigger in itself. Yet for now – it’s getting through to bedtime without purging or simply devouring everything in sight as I broke the rules that is my main challenge.