3 January:  Intimacy

On March 16 2017 – I will have known my partner 6 years.  We went on our first date on March 16 2011 and we’re living together by September that year.

We are pretty different.  From different countries, he left school early, is sporty, laid back, good looking, body confidant.  I’m a typical high achiever – uni, post grads, lawyer, top jobs, less laid back, not sporty, not body confidant.  He is also very sexual.  At the start of our relationship, I was in a good space and the honeymoon period was fab!  However as years have crept by and I have ebbed and flowed between body sizes, our sex life has dwindled to little and practically non existent.  How can you feel sexy when you don’t like how your body looks?  Once again, I rue the irony.  When I’m exercising and losing weight, I feel great but am too tired for sex as I’m up at 5.30 to go to the gym, work a 12 hour day (with a lunchtime gym class for good measure), normally do something post work, come home, eat some veg and white meat and go to bed.  When I’m bingeing and eating food in secret, the last thing I want is him to see my bloated stomach and thighs.  So he loses out each time.

I know he hates it and the lack of sex makes him question our relationship.  I wish he could realise it’s me, not him – but I’ve never ever spoken out loud what I’m writing here.  However I thought if I’m going to make this work, we need to build back our intimacy.  So I initiated sex this morning.  It wasn’t fireworks, but it was something.  I need to focus on myself yet I also need to focus on my loved ones as well.  Perhaps this will be good for both of us.