January 6:  Thoughts can be the enemy

I woke up this morning in a bad mood.  No reason – maybe I’m having sugar and booze withdrawal.  But there it was.

Partner then annoyed me.  So I went for a walk on the beach and one dog annoyed me.  Came home and partner left within a few minutes to go surfing.  Which annoyed me again.  Had a teaspoon of peanut butter and went into town to change some faulty headphones.

So there I am with my dogs in town and decide to walk along the river and test new headphones.  All I can think about is having a cold glass of wine and a large cookie.  I literally cannot think of anything else.

Came home and cut off some ham pieces and had a cup of tea.  I’m alone which is always problematic – is difficult to binge when others are around so it would be ideal time to do so now.  I’m also cross so thinking what’s the point of denial – why don’t I just drink that bottle of wine and eat the whole pack of cookies.  That’s what I want.  Let’s not pretend I can actually stay sober.  And one little glass won’t matter.  Although it never is one glass…

Thoughts are weird: I know it won’t help.  I’m cross at my partner for no real reason and my instinct is to spite myself and eat/drink.  Why?  No idea.  Yet I’ve resisted.  I can’t believe I have resisted, but I have.

The day is still early yet it feels like a minor victory.  The greater picture means more.  And I know my thoughts aren’t always in my favour.  Yet they don’t have to control me.  I can say no.

2 January:  A sober year

When I reflect on what my triggers are – alcohol always plays a part.  It dampens my resolve, starts cravings of sweet and fatty foods and generally makes me lethargic and bloated.

I love alcohol – the fizzing of bubbles in a glass of champagne, the clink of ice in a gin and tonic, the refreshing gulp of a beer in summer.  I can also drink a lot of alcohol.  I rarely suffer from hangovers and can easily polish off a few bottles of wine on a weeknight.

I am not an alcoholic.  I like drinking and my work means that social drinks are a big part of my life.  Yet I don’t crave it in the morning nor hide my drinking patterns.  Yet I do hide my eating patterns following a heavy night – which I suppose shows you where the issue is. Alcohol starts my food binges.  The food binges then often last far longer than the night drinking.  Days turn into weeks and then months.

So as I sit here watching the news and still deciding about resolutions, I am wondering about a sober year.  I’ve easily conquered months of no drinking when training but this would be something else.  Monumental but maybe the life change I need.