I have never been treated, never been referred. I have a job and a partner. Yet if I am truly honest, loneliness is a huge feature of my adult life.
I’ve had plenty of friends. Am an extroverted introvert. I am good at small talk, bond quickly with people, have a natural curiosity and am well read. But they don’t stay because when I’m in the grips of the disease, I cannot see people. I let them down, ignore calls, go into retreat mode, I lie. I don’t want to be forced to eat and social life so often revolves around food and drink. Or I am locked into my body and would rather eat obscene amounts of food in secret. I despair at both sides of this coin – both extreme behaviours, neither provide happiness. I don’t have one friend left from university I speak to. School is prettty similar although a few held on. No one text me on new year to say happy new year.
I just woke and looked in the mirror and was disgusted. Not dsymorphia – am fat and bloated after 6 weeks of food self abuse and binging and no purging. The wind is roaring and I dont know what to do. Am hoping writing gives me the strength to avoid extreme behaviour and start being gentle on myself. A walk with the dogs, a normal breakfast. Yet it already feels so hard.
Patience is a virtue I long for. To realise that contentment is a journey and my brain will tell me to repeat old behaviours. But I am in control of my destiny and it is going to be me that wins.
We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives…not looking for flaws, but for potential.
It is this thought that sets the theme for this blog. I have struggled with eating for all of my adult life. I turn 35 this year and rather than set myself up to fail, I want to look for the chance to find contentment.
I binge. With food, alcohol, fitness. I have ranged from 58kg to 110kg. I have not stayed at a stable weight for more than 3 months in two decades. When bingeing on exercise and fasting, I feel happy in myself but cut myself off from society as it interferes with my regime. When I binge on food and booze, my social life soars as does my self loathing. Sometimes i purge, other times I don’t. The latter means drastic weight gain in short periods of time.
I am currently on the peak of a food and alcohol binge triggered by a intense work phase. I know now that my hatred of my own body means I’m about to enter the intense fasting phase. I’m tired, unhappy and want to break the cycle.
This blog will remain anonymous but I need to chart my progress. To be honest, accountable and maybe even find some virtual support. I have never been able to find someone else who seems to exhibit periods of anorexia, bulimia and excessive over eating. Maybe I’m non of these and am simply me. But regardless, I want to end this year having found some type of inner wellbeing.