I woke up this morning in a bad mood. No reason – maybe I’m having sugar and booze withdrawal. But there it was.
Partner then annoyed me. So I went for a walk on the beach and one dog annoyed me. Came home and partner left within a few minutes to go surfing. Which annoyed me again. Had a teaspoon of peanut butter and went into town to change some faulty headphones.
So there I am with my dogs in town and decide to walk along the river and test new headphones. All I can think about is having a cold glass of wine and a large cookie. I literally cannot think of anything else.
Came home and cut off some ham pieces and had a cup of tea. I’m alone which is always problematic – is difficult to binge when others are around so it would be ideal time to do so now. I’m also cross so thinking what’s the point of denial – why don’t I just drink that bottle of wine and eat the whole pack of cookies. That’s what I want. Let’s not pretend I can actually stay sober. And one little glass won’t matter. Although it never is one glass…
Thoughts are weird: I know it won’t help. I’m cross at my partner for no real reason and my instinct is to spite myself and eat/drink. Why? No idea. Yet I’ve resisted. I can’t believe I have resisted, but I have.
The day is still early yet it feels like a minor victory. The greater picture means more. And I know my thoughts aren’t always in my favour. Yet they don’t have to control me. I can say no.
Back in September, I launched an initiative at work called Steptember. Any of my staff who wanted to take part was given a pedometer and the challenge was to walk 10000 steps a day. We got into teams and over 50 of us did it.
I have a Fitbit and was in the middle of an exercise phase. Would normally have my 10000 allocation by 9am. I loved seeing my Fitbit show my fit my daily goal. Yet I took it too far as I was also doing hours of other exercise on top of this.
My Fitbit went back in the drawer after a booze weekend that led to the two month food and alcohol binge over November and December. However, decided it was time to dust it off and this time simply try and walk 10000 steps for all of Jan. Just walk. Not add in HIIT, weight lifting, cardio classes – just walk. If I’m going to control bingeing – this needs to apply to everything I do including exercise. Kindness to self and mind.
So this morning I had a beautiful walk with the dogs. No music, simply watching the sea, sun and absorbing my surroundings. I felt uncomfortable and fat in my clothes and as it is such a small place, saw people I knew. But I managed it and it has set up the day nicely.
Fear of judgement controls me. There are only a few gyms in town and I hate going when big since think they will all be wondering how I got in such bad shape. But I love walking. It frees me. And seeing the dogs play reminds me that simple pleasure can bring great joy. I’m far from being content yet, but I’m starting to walk down what feels the correct path.
When I reflect on what my triggers are – alcohol always plays a part. It dampens my resolve, starts cravings of sweet and fatty foods and generally makes me lethargic and bloated.
I love alcohol – the fizzing of bubbles in a glass of champagne, the clink of ice in a gin and tonic, the refreshing gulp of a beer in summer. I can also drink a lot of alcohol. I rarely suffer from hangovers and can easily polish off a few bottles of wine on a weeknight.
I am not an alcoholic. I like drinking and my work means that social drinks are a big part of my life. Yet I don’t crave it in the morning nor hide my drinking patterns. Yet I do hide my eating patterns following a heavy night – which I suppose shows you where the issue is. Alcohol starts my food binges. The food binges then often last far longer than the night drinking. Days turn into weeks and then months.
So as I sit here watching the news and still deciding about resolutions, I am wondering about a sober year. I’ve easily conquered months of no drinking when training but this would be something else. Monumental but maybe the life change I need.
We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives…not looking for flaws, but for potential.
It is this thought that sets the theme for this blog. I have struggled with eating for all of my adult life. I turn 35 this year and rather than set myself up to fail, I want to look for the chance to find contentment.
I binge. With food, alcohol, fitness. I have ranged from 58kg to 110kg. I have not stayed at a stable weight for more than 3 months in two decades. When bingeing on exercise and fasting, I feel happy in myself but cut myself off from society as it interferes with my regime. When I binge on food and booze, my social life soars as does my self loathing. Sometimes i purge, other times I don’t. The latter means drastic weight gain in short periods of time.
I am currently on the peak of a food and alcohol binge triggered by a intense work phase. I know now that my hatred of my own body means I’m about to enter the intense fasting phase. I’m tired, unhappy and want to break the cycle.
This blog will remain anonymous but I need to chart my progress. To be honest, accountable and maybe even find some virtual support. I have never been able to find someone else who seems to exhibit periods of anorexia, bulimia and excessive over eating. Maybe I’m non of these and am simply me. But regardless, I want to end this year having found some type of inner wellbeing.