January 10: Is it normal?

It has taken 10 days, but the simple question – is it normal is beginning to matter.

I want to eat 6 monster cookies in secret.  Is that normal – no.

I fancy breakfast.  Maybe some salmon and eggs.  Is that normal – yes.

If the answer is yes, I can proceed.  If not, rethink.  I might have a cookie, but with my partner and a cup of tea and only one.  And enjoy it – it not be a guilty pleasure.

My weight loss has slowed which is mentally proving really difficult.  But am just so relieved I have used the holidays in order to try and start some normality.  Work starts next week and am scared of the pressure derailing everything.  But that is next week, for now I’m living in the present.

January 9: Two meals a day

As you might have gathered from previous entries, I have an issue with food.   I binge, I purge, I fast.  Very rarely would I ever not be in one of those cycles.  This year I’m trying to break these patterns.

I am still incomfortable in my own skin.  I am close to 20kg more than I was 3-4 months ago so not that surprising.  I have already lost around 6kg this year, however, I know I could speed it up if I simply stop eating.  I have done water fasts before and obviously, results are quick.

The first week of the year I settled with one main meal a day, cofffee and tea and the odd peanut butter spoon.

This second week, am trying to up to 2 meals a day.  Which I have done.  Yesterday I had fish and salad for lunch and lamb and veg for dinner.

Writing this, I feel ridiculous.  Here I am thinking I’ve achieved so much simply by eating 2 meals.  But I did.  The instinct to overeat and then purge was so strong yet I just drank some water and rode it out.  I know I will have some lapses but I’m taking each minor victory as one.

January 8: The day after the night before

I realise I am a mass of contractions.  I love eating out and drinking.  I like people and company.  Yet sometimes avoid all social situations because of the fear of losing control and/or feel like a big slug and the last thing I want to do is go out.

It also is easier to stay at home and eat copious amounts of food and drink wine. 

Yet last night was my first test.  Dinner then a funk gig at a local bar that I had tickets for and was meeting friends at.  New friends who I will lose if I keep cancelling at the last minute like I have done with so many people before.  Could I order sensibly at dinner and not drink at the gig?  Or would it be a trigger like it has so many times before.

People who have binge issues will sometimes know the anticipation of a binge is a key draw – what to eat, what to buy, when.  My first thought was initially – I’ll get my partner to go for dinner without me, I can binge at home and then join at the bar.  But it is a new year and new me so fought it and went to the restaurant.

I ordered badly with the pressure and had food envy and it certainly wasn’t the healthiest choice (vietnamese pancakes for those who care!) but managed to have just the main and then drank water all night at the gig and even danced sober.  Who knew that was possible!

So I’m feeling good.  I have successfully traversed a social night out and acted like a normal person.  I didn’t hide anything – simply took things in moderation and had fun.  I looked at all the people around me and wanted that.  To be a healthy and happy weight and enjoy company.

I woke up this morning and didn’t have a hangover, craving for fried food nor feel lousy.  Went for a walk with the dogs (still managing to get my 10000 steps a day so far) and then came back and made breakfast.  Eggs, salmon and broccoli.  Yes, I still then had the urge to keep going and smash boxes of cereal, toast, pancakes.  But I took my time and it was lovely.  I feel nourished and a small breakthrough.  Yes I can fast and lose weight quickly.  But how about being mindful, enjoy life and see how that goes.  May take longer, but he quickest way isn’t always the best.

Early days but day by day.  I feel like I’m moving in the direction.  And damn those scales – didn’t check as today is not a day to be ruled by a number.

January 7: The number

Couldn’t sleep last night.  Work up wanting food and a drink.  I had a cup of tea and 3 teaspoons of peanut butter.

The day before, my food has been a few peanut butter teaspoons (I know, I love it!) and a ham salad with an egg and some veg.  I made my partner a risotto and then also had about 5 heaped teaspoons of that.

So far in 2017, I have yet to have a drink or sugar.  Some carbs in the risotto and one potato, but that’s it.  Also walked close to 17k steps yesterday (about 12k distance).  Yet I weighed 0.4kg more this morning.  All I want to do now is eat and when I go out tonight, drink like a fish.

So I’m thinking if I’d been stronger and not eaten in the night, I might have lost weight.  Nor had anything beyond my meal.  I know I am still low in total over the day but am determined to shed 5kg before I go back to work in 9 days.  As I write that now, I realise that sounds like a stupid plan.  Yet I want to start back at the gym and cannot until I drop back to an overweight but not so I am ashamed to walk on weight.

I wish this didn’t take so much thought space.  

January 6: Thoughts can be the enemy

I woke up this morning in a bad mood.  No reason – maybe I’m having sugar and booze withdrawal.  But there it was.

Partner then annoyed me.  So I went for a walk on the beach and one dog annoyed me.  Came home and partner left within a few minutes to go surfing.  Which annoyed me again.  Had a teaspoon of peanut butter and went into town to change some faulty headphones.

So there I am with my dogs in town and decide to walk along the river and test new headphones.  All I can think about is having a cold glass of wine and a large cookie.  I literally cannot think of anything else.

Came home and cut off some ham pieces and had a cup of tea.  I’m alone which is always problematic – is difficult to binge when others are around so it would be ideal time to do so now.  I’m also cross so thinking what’s the point of denial – why don’t I just drink that bottle of wine and eat the whole pack of cookies.  That’s what I want.  Let’s not pretend I can actually stay sober.  And one little glass won’t matter.  Although it never is one glass…

Thoughts are weird: I know it won’t help.  I’m cross at my partner for no real reason and my instinct is to spite myself and eat/drink.  Why?  No idea.  Yet I’ve resisted.  I can’t believe I have resisted, but I have.

The day is still early yet it feels like a minor victory.  The greater picture means more.  And I know my thoughts aren’t always in my favour.  Yet they don’t have to control me.  I can say no.

January 5: A new day

Well I did it.  I work up and finished yesterday without either bingeing or purging.  So a minor victory.

I know I’m not currently eating normally.  But I need to be totally honest with myself.  Right now – the compulsive over eating is what I need to control.  A strict eating plan and reducing my weight to a normal level is my aim.  Once that happens (which I’m expecting to be by the end of Jan), I want to use Feb as a month of a better eating plan and moderate exercise.

I did weigh myself and I’m down 4.5 kilos since 1 Jan.  Sounds like a lot to some but I’ve put on 25 kilos in two months.  That’s the extent of my problem.  So I expect the first 10 kilos to go pretty quickly.  The second 15 will be a hard slog and that’s when the temptation to speed things up will kick in and I need to resist.

January 4: Resisting the urge to purge

Today I went and bought a slow cooker.  I do actually enjoy cooking and it seemed an easy way to cook meat and other healthy recipes.  We had a large top side of wild venison so this was my first attempt at using it.

I roasted some potatoes for my partner and threw in the broccoli and asparagus stalks.  I then steamed the broccoli florets and asparagus spears, turned the juices into a gravy – and voila!  Gave my partner some bread rolls as well.

So all I have eaten today is this meal (beyond some cups of tea).   It is all non processed – simply some meat, steamed green vegetables and some roasted green stalks.  Yet when I went into the kitchen to clean up, I hoovered up the potato left on my partners plate.  And am now sitting here wanting to purge as I feel like I’ve failed.  Or at least take some laxatives to reduce the sin of eating.

Sometime I wish food was like alcohol – possible of complete avoidance.  I’m addicted to both, yet one I have to have every day and try and not move into destructive behaviours.  

Is day 4 and this blog is what I turned to in order to not give in to what my brain is screaming at me to do.  Get rid of the food you fat useless person.  I know I will weigh myself tomorrow to see the damage and that might be a trigger in itself.  Yet for now – it’s getting through to bedtime without purging or simply devouring everything in sight as I broke the rules that is my main challenge.

January 4: Walking the path

Back in September, I launched an initiative at work called Steptember.  Any of my staff who wanted to take part was given a pedometer and the challenge was to walk 10000 steps a day.  We got into teams and over 50 of us did it.

I have a Fitbit and was in the middle of an exercise phase.  Would normally have my 10000 allocation by 9am.  I loved seeing my Fitbit show my fit my daily goal.   Yet I took it too far as I was also doing hours of other exercise on top of this.

My Fitbit went back in the drawer after a booze weekend that led to the two month food and alcohol binge over November and December.  However, decided it was time to dust it off and this time simply try and walk 10000 steps for all of Jan.  Just walk.  Not add in HIIT, weight lifting, cardio classes – just walk.  If I’m going to control bingeing – this needs to apply to everything I do including exercise.  Kindness to self and mind.

So this morning I had a beautiful walk with the dogs.  No music, simply watching the sea, sun and absorbing my surroundings.  I felt uncomfortable and fat in my clothes and as it is such a small place, saw people I knew.  But I managed it and it has set up the day nicely.

Fear of judgement controls me.  There are only a few gyms in town and I hate going when big since think they will all be wondering how I got in such bad shape.  But I love walking.  It frees me.  And seeing the dogs play reminds me that simple pleasure can bring great joy.  I’m far from being content yet, but I’m starting to walk down what feels the correct path.

3 January: Intimacy

On March 16 2017 – I will have known my partner 6 years.  We went on our first date on March 16 2011 and we’re living together by September that year.

We are pretty different.  From different countries, he left school early, is sporty, laid back, good looking, body confidant.  I’m a typical high achiever – uni, post grads, lawyer, top jobs, less laid back, not sporty, not body confidant.  He is also very sexual.  At the start of our relationship, I was in a good space and the honeymoon period was fab!  However as years have crept by and I have ebbed and flowed between body sizes, our sex life has dwindled to little and practically non existent.  How can you feel sexy when you don’t like how your body looks?  Once again, I rue the irony.  When I’m exercising and losing weight, I feel great but am too tired for sex as I’m up at 5.30 to go to the gym, work a 12 hour day (with a lunchtime gym class for good measure), normally do something post work, come home, eat some veg and white meat and go to bed.  When I’m bingeing and eating food in secret, the last thing I want is him to see my bloated stomach and thighs.  So he loses out each time.

I know he hates it and the lack of sex makes him question our relationship.  I wish he could realise it’s me, not him – but I’ve never ever spoken out loud what I’m writing here.  However I thought if I’m going to make this work, we need to build back our intimacy.  So I initiated sex this morning.  It wasn’t fireworks, but it was something.  I need to focus on myself yet I also need to focus on my loved ones as well.  Perhaps this will be good for both of us.

2 January: A sober year

When I reflect on what my triggers are – alcohol always plays a part.  It dampens my resolve, starts cravings of sweet and fatty foods and generally makes me lethargic and bloated.

I love alcohol – the fizzing of bubbles in a glass of champagne, the clink of ice in a gin and tonic, the refreshing gulp of a beer in summer.  I can also drink a lot of alcohol.  I rarely suffer from hangovers and can easily polish off a few bottles of wine on a weeknight.

I am not an alcoholic.  I like drinking and my work means that social drinks are a big part of my life.  Yet I don’t crave it in the morning nor hide my drinking patterns.  Yet I do hide my eating patterns following a heavy night – which I suppose shows you where the issue is. Alcohol starts my food binges.  The food binges then often last far longer than the night drinking.  Days turn into weeks and then months.

So as I sit here watching the news and still deciding about resolutions, I am wondering about a sober year.  I’ve easily conquered months of no drinking when training but this would be something else.  Monumental but maybe the life change I need.