I realise I am a mass of contractions. I love eating out and drinking. I like people and company. Yet sometimes avoid all social situations because of the fear of losing control and/or feel like a big slug and the last thing I want to do is go out.
It also is easier to stay at home and eat copious amounts of food and drink wine.
Yet last night was my first test. Dinner then a funk gig at a local bar that I had tickets for and was meeting friends at. New friends who I will lose if I keep cancelling at the last minute like I have done with so many people before. Could I order sensibly at dinner and not drink at the gig? Or would it be a trigger like it has so many times before.
People who have binge issues will sometimes know the anticipation of a binge is a key draw – what to eat, what to buy, when. My first thought was initially – I’ll get my partner to go for dinner without me, I can binge at home and then join at the bar. But it is a new year and new me so fought it and went to the restaurant.
I ordered badly with the pressure and had food envy and it certainly wasn’t the healthiest choice (vietnamese pancakes for those who care!) but managed to have just the main and then drank water all night at the gig and even danced sober. Who knew that was possible!
So I’m feeling good. I have successfully traversed a social night out and acted like a normal person. I didn’t hide anything – simply took things in moderation and had fun. I looked at all the people around me and wanted that. To be a healthy and happy weight and enjoy company.
I woke up this morning and didn’t have a hangover, craving for fried food nor feel lousy. Went for a walk with the dogs (still managing to get my 10000 steps a day so far) and then came back and made breakfast. Eggs, salmon and broccoli. Yes, I still then had the urge to keep going and smash boxes of cereal, toast, pancakes. But I took my time and it was lovely. I feel nourished and a small breakthrough. Yes I can fast and lose weight quickly. But how about being mindful, enjoy life and see how that goes. May take longer, but he quickest way isn’t always the best.
Early days but day by day. I feel like I’m moving in the direction. And damn those scales – didn’t check as today is not a day to be ruled by a number.