January 6:  Thoughts can be the enemy

I woke up this morning in a bad mood.  No reason – maybe I’m having sugar and booze withdrawal.  But there it was.

Partner then annoyed me.  So I went for a walk on the beach and one dog annoyed me.  Came home and partner left within a few minutes to go surfing.  Which annoyed me again.  Had a teaspoon of peanut butter and went into town to change some faulty headphones.

So there I am with my dogs in town and decide to walk along the river and test new headphones.  All I can think about is having a cold glass of wine and a large cookie.  I literally cannot think of anything else.

Came home and cut off some ham pieces and had a cup of tea.  I’m alone which is always problematic – is difficult to binge when others are around so it would be ideal time to do so now.  I’m also cross so thinking what’s the point of denial – why don’t I just drink that bottle of wine and eat the whole pack of cookies.  That’s what I want.  Let’s not pretend I can actually stay sober.  And one little glass won’t matter.  Although it never is one glass…

Thoughts are weird: I know it won’t help.  I’m cross at my partner for no real reason and my instinct is to spite myself and eat/drink.  Why?  No idea.  Yet I’ve resisted.  I can’t believe I have resisted, but I have.

The day is still early yet it feels like a minor victory.  The greater picture means more.  And I know my thoughts aren’t always in my favour.  Yet they don’t have to control me.  I can say no.

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