I have never been treated, never been referred. I have a job and a partner. Yet if I am truly honest, loneliness is a huge feature of my adult life.
I’ve had plenty of friends. Am an extroverted introvert. I am good at small talk, bond quickly with people, have a natural curiosity and am well read. But they don’t stay because when I’m in the grips of the disease, I cannot see people. I let them down, ignore calls, go into retreat mode, I lie. I don’t want to be forced to eat and social life so often revolves around food and drink. Or I am locked into my body and would rather eat obscene amounts of food in secret. I despair at both sides of this coin – both extreme behaviours, neither provide happiness. I don’t have one friend left from university I speak to. School is prettty similar although a few held on. No one text me on new year to say happy new year.
I just woke and looked in the mirror and was disgusted. Not dsymorphia – am fat and bloated after 6 weeks of food self abuse and binging and no purging. The wind is roaring and I dont know what to do. Am hoping writing gives me the strength to avoid extreme behaviour and start being gentle on myself. A walk with the dogs, a normal breakfast. Yet it already feels so hard.
Patience is a virtue I long for. To realise that contentment is a journey and my brain will tell me to repeat old behaviours. But I am in control of my destiny and it is going to be me that wins.