2 January: Reality bites

I have never been treated, never been referred.    I have a job and a partner.  Yet if I am truly honest, loneliness is a huge feature of my adult life.

I’ve had plenty of friends.  Am an extroverted introvert.  I am good at small talk, bond quickly with people, have a natural curiosity and am well read.   But they don’t stay because when I’m in the grips of the disease, I cannot see people.  I let them down, ignore calls, go into retreat mode, I lie.  I don’t want to be forced to eat and social life so often revolves around food and drink.  Or I am locked into my body and would rather eat obscene amounts of food in secret.  I despair at both sides of this coin – both extreme behaviours, neither provide happiness.  I don’t have one friend left from university I speak to.  School is prettty similar although a few held on.  No one text me on new year to say happy new year.

I just woke and looked in the mirror and was disgusted.  Not dsymorphia – am fat and bloated after 6 weeks of food self abuse and binging and no purging.  The wind is roaring and I dont know what to do.  Am hoping writing gives me the strength to avoid extreme behaviour and start being gentle on myself.  A walk with the dogs, a normal breakfast.  Yet it already feels so hard.

Patience is a virtue I long for.  To realise that contentment is a journey and my brain will tell me to repeat old behaviours.  But I am in control of my destiny and it is going to be me that wins.